Today, I started this blog. On Tuesday evening, my husband and I finally cut ties with our 24 year old daughter. A brief look at how this began...
"Jai" was born to my husband and his exwife in 1982. (Not her real name). They divorced shortly thereafter. My husband and I married in 1984 and the biological mother had already left. I adopted Ja and treated her like my own, she wasn't a stepdaughter. We shopped, cooked, laughed and cried together. Then, a monster erupted inside of her when she turned 18. We now know she is bi-polar, but at the time, she refused to live by our rules and we asked her to leave. She moved back in when she was 20, after claiming she'd changed.
True enough, Jai changed, but for the worst. She'd started to consume huge amounts of alcohol and was verbally abusive to my husband and myself. She didn't come home at night and worried us to no end. Things started coming up missing in our home and she helped herself to any money that she found in our home. She stole from us, she was becoming more toxic, then...she ended up pregnant. She claimed she hated the father of her child, then she claimed she loved him. This drama never ended up to the minute she gave birth to our grandson in 2005. I asked her to give the baby up for adoption, I relied on the vial things she had said about the baby's father. She lied. He was not physically abusive, nor was he a drug addict. He was just hopelessly in love with someone who is not capable of returning unselfish love.
Jai was a good mom to her son at first. Then, she met a 21 year old boy, "Pos" who was kicked out of the Army after he beat his wife. This guy then beat up our grandson's father, almost putting him in a coma. Jai stated that she'd left him and again moved back home. We again believed her.
Jai later began sneaking out of the home at night, asking her brother to "listen" for the baby. She was leaving to meet with Pos. We found this out later and told our son to stop covering for her, that if a fire was to break out the baby could have been killed.
We believed Jai when she said she had left this violent man, who admitted to anyone that will listen that he is Bi-Polar. Jai informed us he was also schizophrenic. Great pair to be around a baby, who is now 2 years old.
Our grandson is possibly autistic. He has a communication disorder. The question we continue to ask is how Jai turned out exactly like her biological mother. The difference? Jai hasn't walked away from her son, yet. We are currently helping the biological father to gain custody, before this little guy ends up hurt. Jai advised us that a recent spat with Pos involved him tearing up her house and urinating on her clothing. He then went to her place of employment and spit in her face. She refers to that as a "spat." We consider that further proof that Pos is dangerous and needs to be removed safely to the home of his father.
11 comments:
I'd add that the final straw came on Tuesday night when we found out that Jai was residing with Pos. She'd lied for a year and claimed she didn't know where he was.
Pos called me a "C" word and colorfully told me that I'm a MFer, etc. Pos hates women. That was the final straw, Jai was more than pleased that this guy talked to her mother using words that most filters would ban.
Hang in there and stay strong, SH. You are doing the right thing. It can be the hardest thing to choose to eliminate a loved one from your life but sometimes it must be done. I know there are many others in your situation who are looking for the strength to do what you have done. I hope your story can provide the catalyst to others to remove the toxic people from their lives.
Prayers and Support,
Regina
Today, I am worried about my grandson. Is he eating? Did Jai let him run out in the street again? Is he ok?
This is maddening and only through the Grace of God will we get through this. We being myself and my husband, my daughter has made it abundantly clear she doesn't care.
There are parents and there are peers, and there are abusive substances, and there is DNA, and there are so many factors determining why our once sweet children could turn out to be monsters. My doctor told me I must protect the grandchildren from abuse, and yet my grandchildren are in another state, my son has guns in his home and he is emotionally unstable. His wife is the same. They are mean people. I have tried to be the doting grandmother, to do what is expected as a grandparent. I do love these children, but I cannot be around them. I become physically ill when I am around the family, when I visit my other son in prison. I do not want to trade what is left of my life to try to get "back into the fold". I do not care any longer. This is sad, I know, but I will never have any influence in my grandchildren's lives, and unless they come to me as they mature and see for themselves who their parents are, I really do not want anything to do with them. The influence is already there with the parents, with the other grandparents. The only thing I can do is be there when they may eventually need me, and then I will still be wary. They say life is suffering, well, it seems to be in my case and in many people's, but I am determined to still tend my beautiful garden, to care for my loving husband, to walk my beautiful three-legged dog, and to give away smiles to the lonely and sad. And I have to take my anti-depressants and get lots of exercise. That is what has helped me the most, getting out in fresh air, moving my legs, taking steps, being grateful for what I have in my life that is wonderful. In other words, moving on.
I often wonder if I made any positive difference in my daughter's life at all or if I had died the moment she was born, would she still have turned out this way? I am always asking unanwerable questions it seems....It is the nature of the estrangement beast, I guess. Who would have ever thought that a daughter could divorce her mother and all the values she was taught.......and move on without a backward glance? After 3 and a half years, I should be be past the grieving stage, but it plagues me and the fact that I have no answers, eats at me constantly. I know I must move on with the rest of my life, but I am stubborn. I want answers. I want closure. I want some semblance of understanding of what happened to my caring, loving, purposeful little girl. Her entry into adulthood changed her into someone I do not even recognize nor wish to know. So sad....so empty....I feel like a complete failure and yet I know that I was a good Mom. I have 3 grown boys that are fine....I must have had SOME influence and yet, what did I do or not do, to have my only daughter turn out so poorly? Will I ever get over the fact that she has never needed me in her life? I know drugs can change a person, but can they erase all sense of moral values and self respect from a person? Can drugs detach a person from feelings? I guess I want to blame all of this on something....anything...and drugs are an easy excuse. The real truth is, she has never loved me....never liked me...and never will. And at age 20, I doubt she will ever change. How terribly sad for us both. It is like a death yet one with no real finality.
Hi It has been almost 4 years since our birth son has DITCHED us for a very insecure and manipulative young women a real DADDY's girl--We really have NO contact it is sad Thanks to God I have adopted 6 kids that mean the world to me so Im busy and involved but it HURTS esp holidays and birthdays and graduations I doubt he wakes up and gets on meds I think he is depressed and ocd at least I have told him but he is a health nut and refuses all artificial drugs etc I wish he never met this woman but my father and he are similar and my dad's 2nd wife --not my mom was very manipulative and hypochondriac and narcissistic as is my son's wife Is it genetic and ??????? God Bless you All it is hard to comprehend love pam
Today is Father's Day. Another sad day for all estranged families out there. I hope that shattered- heart as well as daisy's mom and pj, all can remember the good in their lives and try not to let their estrangement take center stage. I know I am going to try just for that. I want to somehow fill up this massive, gaping hole inside with good memories.....positive feelings for a change. We all have things in our life that we feel blessed to have.....let's all try to give those things the most attention. Surely, our gratefulness will help us heal. Hopefully.
It has been awhile since you have written, shatteredheart.....hope you are better and life is a bit calmer.
Hi all. I lost my password and haven't followed through like I wanted.
We are now heading to court and a Guardian et litem has been appointed. Sometimes I have to ask myself if this is all a bad dream.
Now that my mother in law appointed herself to come into the scene, it's escalating.
Does anyone have a problem with their own parent turning their child against them? I was raised the least favorite child out of two children. My sister is perfect. I basically raised my son as a single parent. I left the state my parents and my child's father was in for our own safety. My son was about six but spent summers with his grandparents. I married someone who they didnt like and at almost age sixteen one summer a month after my husband walked and my son was with my parents with the summer my mother asked if my son could live with them. I relectantly said yes, as this was my son's wishes. Since then within three months of visiting them at Christmas my son had me in tears he was so disrepectful and my parents let him run the house. We had little contact but I sent cards and money and received not a phonecall or thankyou. I called him and he was nice and then distant depending on the day. Now, I have really wanted to reach out to him and he is totally disrepectful. He just turned 19. I tried e=mailing and told him he did not know my side of the story and he said how wonderful my mother was and knew some private information he had no business knowing about it. I wrote my mother a letter letting her know I felt betrayed and that I never spoke a harsh word against her. It was not mean. I also pointed out a few of my sister's indisgressions and asked her if she would do the same to the other grandchild and perfect sister and son in law who live down the road from them and have the relationship with my parents I have always wanted. Now my son knows about the note and when I wished him happy birthday he asked me not to contact him again because his grandma did not deserve this letter. My parents arnt speaking to me either even when my new husband who is a nice person called them and left messages with them that I was really down and even suicidal and to call if they cared. They did not. I feel so betrayed. I was not a bad mother. I did some things I was not proud of, but I was not abusive ect. And I have appologized to my son. He wont forgive some things he said. I just dont understand. He is a weight lifter and is now around his father who was a deadbeat drug user and that side of the family. I really feel he is on steroids or got my mom and his fathers psycopathic tendancies. Any one have any advice. I let him stay with my parents and he left an honors student with goals and a nice kid. When he got there he was spoiled rotten. They never had a son and stoled mine I feel. He was totally spoiled and got to do what he wanted. Now he works for his dad's side of the family. The deadbet lies about my paying child support and I told my son I had proof but he does not want to see it saying he didn't want to see it. He even got mad at an appology. Its like steroid rage. Or maybe just his age. I feel like he is around all these people who hate me and I am a failure because I dont have this perfect life and family which is really not. She had an affair and my mother traveled accross the country to drive back with her. Her husband came running back. My husband has several affairs and it's my fault and hardly any sympathy. I have had it hard but when you were raised with no esteem you tend to have problems pick wrong partners ect. I did the best I could.
How are things going for you shattered heart?
Your situation sounds very trying. I hope your grandson and his dad are okay and that your daughter is getting the help she needs.
I was curious about you saying your MIL got involved. Did she get involved with your daughter or with your grandsons custody hearing?
I hope it is getting better for all of you.
I can't imagine how I would deal with one of my daughters being involved with an abusive, mentally ill man. My heart goes out to you.
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